Ireland is a strange place where the people
participate in strange activities. I saw an Irish man walking down the street
mid-day while simultaneously chugging a gallon of milk. I assumed he was
participating in some secret Gallon Challenge and when I asked to join he was
greedy as hell and said “THIS IS MINE” then sprinted away. But like every other
white simpleton girl who studied abroad, I learned soooooooooooooooooo much
about myself. I realized karma’s a bitch, but so am I and maybe I should stop
stealing things…but I probably wont. Also I don’t take other people’s bullshit
very well. That’s why I spit on a 15 year-olds face, got in a fistfight on the
night bus, and got kicked out of my homestay. I regret nothing.
I also fulfilled my life long dream of working
as an unpaid prison bitch at the Irish Parliament. I believe with this and my
participation in the Kony 2012 protest march in DC, I’m finally ready to join
the presidential election. Me working at Parliament was no different then when
a mom takes her angsty 13 year old to work. I just sat in her office messing
with Facebook until lunch finally rolled around and I could go see my friends.
I had no idea what I was doing there. The senator I was working for can only be
described as a mash up of Leslie Knope and an Irish Hillary Clinton. She was v
chill to the point where I WANTED to know how to do my job… but that never
ended up happening until sweet sweet Adam came along. Adam was such an ideal
gay Irish man: 21 years young, long hair don’ care, long nails may need a trim,
already been engaged, once drank a whole bottle of Hennessy on a plane, enjoys
Russian pop, loves chocolate muffins, and knows all the dirty gossip going on
in Parliament. He was a great companion.
Things you need to know about Parliament: The
lunchroom will take years off your life. It is so fucking stressful just grab a
scone AND GO. The bathroom sink water is boiling hot so the Sinn Fein
politicians can wash the blood off their hands. The copy room is a good place
to hide, but if you are in there too long people will think you work there.
NEVER PICK UP THE PHONE. You will not be able to understand peoples accents,
especially if they are from Kerry. If you are a person of any color other then
white, be prepared to be questioned at the gate…because those assholes are
racist.
I came to the realization that when I die,
RyanAir will be the airline that takes me to hell. While the flight would be
very cheap all my hell coins would go to the $6 water, flight attendants
make-up, and the electricity bill for the fluorescent lights.
It was an interesting change when the male Irish
accents quickly went from a flirty first couple weeks of “oooo I wonder what
they’re saying hehehe” to the last months filled with the sheer anger and
dissatisfaction of “WHAT THE FUCK ARE THEY EVEN SAYING???”
Matt Cooper looks like a penis.
Penny’s is a glorious place, but I will never
forgive them for the atrocity that is “low rise tights”.
I made a unique lifelong bond with the 15 other
students who endured the program with me. I’m happy that the only strange
people involved had minor glove fetishes and an unreasonable self-confidence,
which resulted in a small tailored suit hung outside on a hanger covered in
vomit. And while things ended on a freaky note with everyone making out with
each other developing into some sort of uncomfortable orgy, everyone was cool besides
that.
I ended my trip on a very good note with my new
(awesome) home stay family. I cannot thank them enough. They were such
incredible people, and proved to me that not all Irish families are psychotic
catholics who are obsessed with butter. Sending all my good vibes to Rose,
Sophie, Kailin, Odie and the rest of the crew!
