Looking for Joffrey

Something amazing happened in Dublin a couple weeks ago. I’m sitting with Graham at Parliament watching some boring ass movie called The Government Budget for 2016. After two whole minutes of paying attention I got distracted. I started showing Graham my matches on Tinder. I was asking him his opinion on if this dude was straight or wat:   

 Ends up that this:                                                    Is also this:

 

So I had one of two options 1) I could say something along the lines of “GO TO HELL YOU EVIL LITTLE PRINCE B*TCH! TYRION 4EVRRRR XD ” Or 2) Play it cool. Make him fall in a deep everlasting love with me, while I ride on the coattails of his success. Then once I become famous enough, I'd divorce him because he is literally four feet tall and I'm only assuming pretty freaky. Well, I had the intentions of pursuing the second option, but I blew it. I was trying to be suuuuper chill right…. (Which has never worked out for me in the past). All I wanted to send was just a simple “Hey Jack. I also enjoy a good hang” but I ended up sending “Hey Jack” nine times and he INSTANTLY unmatched me. I had one shot to be this happy:

AND I BLEW IT IN LESS THAN 10 MINUTES. So I decided to go to Joffrey’s hometown of Croatia to get some answers.

Of course I needed my partner in crime to come with me on this quest, because lets be real I don’t watch Game of Thrones and am not down with that Viking porn shiz that happens on that show. The first city we arrived at was Zadar. Let me make this perfectly clear that Graham and I were very homeless for a solid 15 hours and that was my first impression of Croatia. I’m not pointing any fingers (GRAHAM) but there was some poor planning (GRAHAM) that may have occurred (GRAAAAAHHHAAM) on that first night. Did we spend the night at an outdoor bus station in Zadar when it was 40 degrees? Yes. Did we spend the first hour in a smoke filled bar that could have also been a brothel? Maybe. Did we also watch two hours of Amy Schumer videos until the bus showed up? Absolutely. Once the bus finally came thru I pretty much just blacked out until we ended up at our AirBnB in Split. Although the only notable thing that happened on the 3 hour bus ride was the giant Italian man who was simultaneously destroying a sandwich while also making VERY important phone calls to I’m only assuming the Italian president at 4 in the morning.

Split was very chill. I had the best pizza I’ve ever eaten there. I also had ice cream that made me question if Amy’s Ice Cream was really the best… I came to the conclusion that Luca was a close second, but Amy’s is just too damn special not to hold my number one spot. I mean I'm a 'Frequent Flyer' at Amy's which means I'm a certified piece of lardass and have a reputation to uphold. Any who, we went to a place called Froggyland, which was the most famous torture museum in all Croatia. Froggyland had the largest collection of 507 taxidermy frogs all made to look like they are doing normal human activities like building a house, rowing a boat, baking a cake, or killing themselves. Tripadvisor gave it the ‘Certificate of Excellence’ so if you’re even thinking of starting a frog taxidermy museum DON’T EVEN TRY.

While heading to the Autotrans bus from hell to take us to Dubrovnik we met a very nice person named Adam. Graham cut him in line at a bakery at 6 in the morning and the friendship just blossomed from there. Adam was 25 with the wisdom of a 67-year-old man. He quit his job at Blockbuster to travel the world. Very noble choice. We spent the first day in Dubrovnik with him after he agreed to join the quest. The three of us looked in every corner of the main castle but still no luck, so we expanded the search to the Island of Lokrom. A place ruled by peacocks, gigantic bunnies, a dude from Taiwan named Matt, and shark rocks. Still no Joffrey. Adam left that night but we would see him again in Hvar.

We spent way too much time in Dubrovnik. So much time that we became fully invested in 2005 episode reruns of NCIS. There were so many tourists in Dubrovnik that once you get into the old city it’s like fighting your way through an ACL crowd; A black hole of swangin’ selfie sticks and hanging around people who may or may not be homeless. We judged each museum we went to by the quality of their bathrooms. My favorite was the Dubrovnik National History Museum. Potpourri on FLEEK. We also became regulars at a place called Art Café, where I stressfully signed up for classes one day; shout out to the bae-rista who let me use her computer. People in Croatia are very cautious, because they know there is only one ambulance in the whole country that just travels slowly from island to island. The beaches were amazing (when it wasn’t pouring outside). Another good thing to note is that if it rains your not supposed to drink the tap water…that’s what all our waiters said…but I know they were all conspiring against me to make me pay for water. I SEE THROUGH YOUR SLY TRICKS!

Graham read all the Guardians of Ga’Hoole books. Possibly more then once. Just FYI.

We took a ferry to Hvar, which was by far the prettiest of all the islands. We came one week after the huge party season ended and I’m just assuming everyone on the island was dealing with a month long hangover from the excessive drinking that happened during the summer. It was nice because all the tourists were gone, but the nights consisted of only the locals and us. We met up with Adam and attended a Croatian charity concert with our new friends who were 16-year-old girls. But I swear to Yeezus these girls looked like they were 32 years old with steady jobs working at some cannoli bakeries with a dog named Finka. They also all spoke more than four different languages fluently, and that’s when I realized the youth of America is pretty shitty. 

The next night was slightly more normal. We went to a place called ‘Jazz Bar’ that played exclusively Ariana Grande. There was also a piano painted on a small table next to the bar. They really tried. Graham went back to the AirBnB but I was still feelin’ myself so Adam and I went to a place called ‘Pink Champagne’. After I tried to order a glass of this “pink champagne” and was told there was none…I asked to see the manager. I told the manager that if I had a club and named it “Neon Butt Plugs” I would f*cking deliver. Giving each person a butt plug upon arrival. I’d have them hanging from the ceiling and hitting people in the goddamn face. The manager didn’t understand me because he only spoke Croatian or something so I just tried to enjoy myself. Turns out that this club had the ability to warp time. We walked in there at 2am and after two hours walked out and it was only 2:26am. I went to bed that night thinking the ONLY probable explanation was that ‘Pink Champagne’ was a black hole that could bend time and space. Daylight savings may or may not have happened that night, but that doesn’t change the fact that Doc Brown winked at me while I stumbled out of that fallaciously named club.